know more about me.

hi. im rebecca. im 14. i don't have a bad life. i just have had bad experiences. for as long as i can remember my sister has been calling me a bitch or worthless or stupid or fat or ugly. my parents never really loved me when i was younger. I've lost all my close friends because i am a bitch. I'm ugly as a butt probably uglier. when i was in fifth grade my sister was hospitalized for attempted suicide and anorexia and bulimia . she blamed her problems on her little sister. my parents made me not tell anyone. so i didn't even though every night i would cry myself to sleep and wish to die. i had no friends. none. i had to constantly smile because it was my responsibility. the whole year was a roller coaster with my sister in and out of the hospital. then came sixth grade. i made huge mistakes trusted the wrong people was a whore. i did not care about anything. my sister was now in and out of the hospital and my parents were always gone at meetings with her. she had become addicted to drugs and i found out she had been raped. i finally had the courage to tell someone i wanted to die and they told me to go do it. they were my best friend. the one person who used to make me happy called me every name in the book. i was made fun of and told not to eat, so i didn't. sixth grade i started self harming. i would just take whatever i could and slash my wrist with great force watching the blood drip. no one cared. no one knew. my sister still called me a bitch, cuz i am one. seventh grade came along, i was happy for once in my life. my family was still heck tick as ever but i found a friend, a best friend. i had fallen in love with him but he was going out with someone. he was the definition of amazing. but i knew he would never love me so my cutting got worse. after a long dramatic year with one of my friends and her life and then dealing with all my sisters shit and being hurt by my best friend and never being able to tell him or talk to anyone i knew i needed to die. i attempted suicide so many times i can't even remember. never once did anyone care. thats how its always been. but i had some hope and that was in my best friend. soon enough though he left me for his girlfriend. i messaged him everyday over the summer never once did he respond. that summer i went out with someone and found what i had been missing, understanding and love. he was dating someone else the whole time we were together. i have been second best my whole life, from my parents to my sister to friends and guys. it sucks. a lot. my cutting was at about 30 a night. finally at the end of the summer my friend that didn't talk to me started short conversations again. i saw him once and i couldnt handle it and had to be taken outside because i started balling. eight grade started. all my friends and i were known as pot heads. you know how much that hurts? a lot especially when your sister is a druggie and everyone expects you to be just like her. everyone some how likes to fit in my day that i am hated and/or worthless. but what they don't know is i think exactly the same thing maybe even stronger. in november my parents found out about the cutting. what they didn't know was i started other bad habits i had been self diagnosing and drinking. no one knows that. they made me go see a therapist and i had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. no one cares. not even my therapist. then in the midst of all this chaos i made a friend. they make my crazy and happy and hjkabjg. its not a type of in love thing its just a happiness. i had finally stooped cutting and everything else. that lasted for a month and a half. tonight i could not take it. the fact that no one cares no one listens and that i don't matter to ANYONE. now I'm just a fucked up kid in a fucked up world but who isn't? i can't say i have a bad life i can only say I've had some bad experiences.